Pain For You
by Strawberry L
Summary: Sirius is having a rough time dealing with Remus's monthly demons. Warnings: selfmutilation, swearing, utter lack of happiness, slash SBRL
1. Chapter One

Pain for You

By: BigBlackDog 

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter and all related material. You know who does. Love them.

Genre: Angst

Pairing: Sirius x Remus

Rating: R

Archive: [Gimme the link]

Warnings: Excessive bouts of self-mutilation and a bit of slash. Minor bits of swearing as well.

Key: _Sirius's conscious thoughts_

**Sirius's subconscious thoughts **[like the wolf, only not a wolf. maybe a split mind]__

*              *              *              *              *              *              *              *              *              *              *              *

_Remus?_

**Deeper. Longer. Wider. Faster. **

**Blood. **

**Salt. Tears.**

_Remus?_

**Alone. Blood.**

**Cut. Slice. Erase. Deeper. Pain.**

_Don't stop, can't stop, can't stop, can't stop, can't stop, keep going. _

**Blood. Crimson. Sticky. Red. Blood.**

Sirius Black sat in the corner of the Prefect's bathroom, his arms, legs, and chest throbbing painfully beneath the steady trickle of his own blood. Almost fainting from pain and blood loss Sirius let the blade slide from his hand and clatter in the pools of blood by his feet. Finished, he had finished. Tired eyes glanced in the mirror, and Sirius smiled to himself pleased with the outcome. 

Several jagged lines ran across the lower part of his ribs, too thin to be actual claw marks but the cuts resembled such. At least they would when they scarred over. Similar marking covered the left side of his neck, side, and thigh. Moony had favored his left side last night. 

_Moony... _

The blood soaked walls of the shrieking shack still refused to be pushed to the recesses of Sirius's memory as he struggled with the images of his boyfriend, torn and bleeding in the center of the wreckage. It was the same, full moon after full moon. Sirius was sick of the pain, sick of the blood, and sick of having to see Remus's defeated face every 28 days. 

_It needs to end! This needs to end! I can't think, I can't breath, fuck! Moony, where are you when I need you?_

Somehow, the thought struck Sirius as funny, as he slowly sunk to the floor laughing like he'd gone mad. Though perhaps he had.

*              *              *

Bleary eyes opened slowly, only to shut by the force of the light streaming in through the tall infirmary wing windows. Bringing a bandaged hand to rub at his face, Sirius came to full wakefulness within seconds, propping himself up on an elbow.

_Why the fuck am I in the hospital wing?_

A quick peek around found one James Potter sitting silently a short foot away, his face looking too controlled for a Marauder. Sirius let out the breathe he'd been holding flopping back down on the down bed. 

_Just what I need, a pep talk from Jester James... bloody hell._

"What do you want James?" Sirius asked in a husky, sleep filled voice. James sighed in response. "Look, I'm fucking wasted, so either talk or shrug off." Sirius continued as he threw am arm over his eyes to block out the light.

"Why?" 

"Why what Jamison?" Sirius spat, tired and now annoyed.

"Don't get short with me Sirius; you could have _died_ last night. What in hell's name were you thinking? Doing that to yourself! Don't you think we all have enough to worry about with Remus?" James would have continued, but Sirius's uncontrolled laughter caused his to stop speaking and go into a huff. He didn't think this was any laughing matter. 

"You? Worry about Remus?" he choked out between gales of laughter. It took him a moment to settle himself, but when he did it was abrupt. The laughter died, and Sirius sat bolt upright glaring daggers at his friend. "You worry about Remus?" he leaned until his nose was almost touching James' and their eyes were level. "You don't know anything about how much I worry for Remus."

"Well, that doesn't mean I don't as well!" James protested hotly.

"_You_ didn't find him, alone and bloody in the shrieking shack. _You_ don't listen to his nightmares, and _you_ don't see his scars. You know nothing of how _I_ worry for Remus." With that Sirius threw himself back into bed and both boys fell into silence for some time. It was James who broke it first.

"Sirius, he loves you. Please tell me you know he loves you." James whispered. There was no reply from his raven haired friend, who seemed to have found interest in a rather small piece of lint residing on his pillow. "I know that I can't understand what your going through, and we all know we can't understand what Remus is going through, but Sirius we have to try and be strong for him. He needs us."

_As I need him..._

James waited in vain for some response from his friend, and on receiving none he sat back, as he had before while Sirius had been asleep. Glancing over his shoulder, James saw that Remus was also still asleep in the infirmary, not yet healed from the events of the full moon two nights ago. He would be fine soon enough, and they'd all go back to class as they had every other full moon. This, however, was the first time Sirius had been hospitalized. James prayed in vain that it would be the last.

It was hard for all the Marauders to bear the pain Remus inflicted upon himself physically, but more so emotionally. He tried to hide it and bear it himself, but there had never been any real secrets between the four friends, and so this had gone unspoken but known. Never leaving, always there, the subtle secret of the group. During the other 27 days of the month, Remus usually managed to stay sane with the help of his friends and boyfriend, but there had been nights that found him crying silently in a dark corner of the common room, or god forbid in the bathroom with a chip of glass. It was these things that scared Sirius the most, and at the same time it was these things that reminded them all of how human Remus was. His insanity was his humanity.

Slowly, as if to see whether or not Sirius would react, James rose from his position some time later. He cast a last worried glance at his friend before retiring to the dormitory. 

*              *              *

_Bloody fuck! Why does he have to cry? Every time he looks at me, I can't take it! Did I do something wrong? What did I fuck up? Did I hurt him? God, I must have hurt him!_

Sirius let his tears fall onto his outstretched arm, the salt stinging viciously at the gashes that covered his arm. 

**Blood. Salt. Pain.**

More, he needed more. Sirius drove the razor deeper into his waiting flesh wanting the pain to come and erase everything, to make him forget.

**Etch. Carve. Memories? Forget! Crimson.**__

He had to forget Remus, had to forget his face when he woke up. The teary eyes and pouting lips. The boy's gorgeous hair and the subtle way his bangs fell in his face. He had to forget Remus.

_I love him! What did I do wrong? What did I do? What have I done? _

**Deeper. Longer. Wider. **

_Remus, please forgive me! I'll make it up to you, but don't leave me alone! I need you_, don't go away!!!

**Blood. Sense. Iron. Pools. Red.**

He couldn't bring the razor to his flesh again. Sirius couldn't see anything besides red. His own blood and thoughts of Remus were the only things in his vision as once more he felt the blade clatter to the floor of the bathroom. 

He needed the torment to end. 

_Remus's pain needs to go away... maybe I should go away?_

**Blood. Blood. Blood.**

_Remus? _


	2. Chapter Two

Pain for You - part 2

By: BigBlackDog 

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter and all related material. You know who does. Love them.

Note: I must say, originally I planned this as a one-shot. Apparently, my reviewers didn't seem to think it was over, so this is for everyone who encouraged me to write a second part. Thanks for your support!

Key: _Remus's conscious thoughts_

**Sirius's subconscious thoughts **[like the wolf, only not a wolf. maybe a split mind]

**Remus's POV**__

*              *              *              *              *              *              *              *              *              *              *              *

_Sirius?_

**Deeper. Longer. Wider. Faster. **

**Blood. **

**Salt. Tears.**

_Sirius is that you?_

**Alone. Blood.**

**Cut. Slice. Erase. Deeper. Pain.**

_Stop it! Why are you doing this? Stop hurting yourself! Sirius!_

**Blood. Crimson. Sticky. Red. Blood.**

Remus Lupin sat curled in his bed at the far end of the hospital wing, tears pouring down his pale face. Every part of his body still throbbed in pain from the previous night, and now from the added emotional pain of what he could _feel_ Sirius doing to himself such a short distance away. Damning every deity he could think of for rendering him so helpless, Remus could only lay and sob, his ears working overtime in hope of hearing anyone coming into the infirmary wing. 

It seemed hours before he heard James's desperate shouts and heavy footfalls enter through the sturdy doors. He seemed well composed for the situation Remus knew he must be in. It was a small weight off of the young werewolf's shoulders to know that help was on it's way to his mate. To tired to move or even cry himself to sleep, Remus felt himself slip into unconsciousness, the last thoughts floating through his mind.

_Is this what the beginning of death feels like?_

_Sirius..._

_*              *              *_

Remus had dreamt of blood. The blood of himself in the shrieking shack, and the blood of Sirius in the bathroom. Upon his return to the conscious world he could hear soft voices from the other end of the infirmary. It seemed an hour that was simply 'to early to be awake' to Remus. He had always hated that about his transformations, how they threw his off his normal sleep schedule so that it took him at least a week to feel even the slightest bit normal again. And he always suffered for this, from the lack of sleep and energy afterwards. 

His head still pounded, his memories blurred by the physical pain of his body and the emotional turmoil of his heart. It took Remus longer than necessary to recognize that the voices floating towards him were those of Sirius and James. They were talking quietly, obviously trying to let him get his rest. Even in his incapacitated state, there was one snippet of conversation that made it's way to his ears.

"Sirius, he loves you. Please tell me you know he loves you." James whispered. 

_Of course I love Sirius, the idiot that he is._

Remus smiled the slightest bit, as he always did in thinking of the raven-haired boy, but his smile faltered.

_Does Sirius doubt that I love him? _

It was a dreading thought, to think that Sirius didn't realize how much he was loved by Remus, or worse that he didn't believe the boy. It was a hard thought to hold onto, as sleep overtook him once again.

*              *              *

When Remus woke again, it was close to twilight. He could feel the pull of the almost full moon, as it threatened to rise above the horizon line. 

_Sirius!_

Remus had to talk to his boyfriend, and could only hope he was still being held in the infirmary wing. Mustering his strength, Remus sat up and peered around the large ward. Nearly directly across from him were a bundle of blankets on a bed that could only be Sirius. No one else in history burrowed that deep under the blankets without making a mess of the bed linens. The puppy seemed sound asleep and happy off in his world of perfect dreams. As much as Remus loathed disturbing him, he knew he wouldn't be able to sleep again until he did.

_Not that I need the sleep..._

Slowly, with pain shooting up nearly every limb of his body, Remus managed to half walk half crawl to his lover's bedside. Lowering himself into James' empty chair Remus took the opportunity to openly stare at the boy laid out peacefully before him. His hair had arranged itself everywhere across the stark white pillow, some bits falling across Sirius's neck and face. As beautiful as it was, Remus found it to be an obstruction of his view and reached out a tentative hand to brush it away from the other boy's eyes. With his eyes closed he looked almost peaceful, almost content. However the pain of the last days must have taken their toll, etching the pain into his sleeping form. 

The deathly pale skin, paler than normal, reminded Remus of why he was there. Why his seemingly strong and perfect boyfriend had been reduced to this. No matter how Remus looked at the situation he felt it was his fault. His pain had driven Sirius to this, his scars, and his tears. Never once had Sirius opened up to him the way he so often did for the other boy. And with James off chasing the ethereal Lily Evans there had been no one to listen to Sirius's pain. So he hid it within himself and it festered until this. Remus didn't need to ask why anymore, he knew.

Remus knew what James would say if he told him his feelings. He would tell him, calmly, not to blame himself. He didn't hold the razor to Sirius's wrist, he didn't tell him to take the action, to hurt himself. James didn't understand this was beyond the physical boundaries; these were the emotions of the situation. Remus vowed never to let Sirius do this to himself again. Next time, god pray it never came, he would listen. He wouldn't be the one to cry no matter how much it hurt.

The tears came then, as he took Sirius's pale hand in his own. He noticed its chill and remembered how warm those hands used to be. He didn't even need to see the bandages to know what was under them; he could picture the long vicious cuts simply by looking at his own arm. And so the tears fell, softly, silently onto the raven-haired boy's hand. 

Remus sat there for hours, not able to bring himself to wake the other boy. Now was his time to cry before he had to be strong. Curled up on the hard chair, with Sirius's hand between his own, Remus closed his eyes. He didn't see Sirius watching him through heavily groggy eyelids for a time, or when Madame Pomfrey entered. But he was quickly reprimanded by her and returned to him own bed to rest. He was asleep before his head hit the pillow. 

*              *              *

A jolt of fear and adrenaline woke him a short while later. 

**Blood. Salt. Pain.**

He was doing it again, Remus could feel his arms bleeding with the pain Sirius was feeling physically and emotionally.

**Etch. Carve. Memories? Forget! Crimson.**

Remus sat up faster than lighting, and literally threw himself out of the bed. Doubled over in pain and worry he flew through the dimly lit corridors trying to search his mind to find exactly where Sirius had run off to.

**Deeper. Longer. Wider. **

Stumbling up the stairs Remus could see his time running short. His own breath was beginning to come in short sharp gasps, his vision cloudy and uncertain. He could feel Sirius's life slipping away, feel him dying.

**Blood. Sense. Iron. Pools. Red.**

The wolf seemed to awaken in Remus as the hot pain washed through him again. His senses felt heightened and now he could only smell blood. But no matter how far he ran the scent never seemed to get closer... it was further and further and...

_Sirius!!! STOP IT!!! _

**Blood. Blood. Blood.**

_No! Don't go, you can't leave me! Don't go Sirius! _

The scent of blood hit Remus like a brick wall as he turned into the corridor that contained the portrait to the Prefect's bathroom. Ever the one for drama Sirius was.


End file.
